"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." (Oscar Wilde)


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20 - 4th of June
Friday, June 5, 2015
The question that has been wandering in my mind for the 218698169th time today was;

Could I have done anything to stop mama and abah’s divorcement?

….because lots of shitty things happened today and expectedly, my first thought was that. Because apparently, all shitty things lead back to my, drumroll please, stepdad. OK LIKE WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE THE BAD REASON TO EVERYTHING FOR GOD’S SAKE I-
Lately, he has been complaining to us about how our family’s economy is corrupted and that he has abundance of debts waiting to be settled, and how we should save our upcoming budget and how broke we really are at the moment. Okay. I understand that they’re both working hard, I really do. But the thing that pisses me off today was, my baby sister bought a RM50 freaking doll. My stepdad just had to stop by ToysRUs and gave himself the opportunity to waste his money there, WHICH IS UNFAIR. Because seriously, RM5o for a toy??? I could’ve gotten my pretzel stix and krispy kreme glazed chocolates I’ve been craving for a while and perhaps a lil crop top from cotton on maybe? That’d worth so much more. BUT A FREAKING TOY I’M CRYING.

That’s not it, we spent about 2 hours at the shop itself because my baby sister was having a hard time choosing what to buy. And of course, we had to live up to her own ways. By the time my dad paid for the doll, it was already 8.30 and I knew right away that my plans of checking out HnM, Cotton On and Kitschen would be cancelled. I got even madder because first of all, this is considered a rare outing because we barely go out, especially to crowded places like this and I thought that I would have the chance to check out my fav shops but oh well, luck is NEVER on my side.

I repeat 101, NEVER.

So afterwards, we headed to Jusco and bought the lil girls’ (liya and maira) needs and went straight home. I GOT NOTHING I SHOULDN’T HAVE EVEN FOLLOWED THEM, IT WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. ALL I GOT WAS LECTURES FROM MY STEPDAD WHO CONTROLS THE WHOLE FAMILY LIKE A PIECE OF – UGH.

I know I’m supposed to give him all due respect but he doesn’t deserve much tbh. I’m just so tired of being his another puppet, having to follow his lead everywhere and everytime that never makes sense. This is the reason why, I never liked going home after boarding school holiday breaks. My family isn’t the happiest one out there and, my stepdad keeps scolding us which is very tiring to hear and very depressing. I once asked mum if I could stay over at grandma’s but that somehow made her sad bc she thought I hated home or something. And the truth is, ever since I got into boarding school, I was somehow released from my stepdad’s grip and it felt good. I was happier and it motivated me to be a better person that I hated…home. I hated how I know things at home are always at tense and encouraging me to rage.

Don’t get me wrong, I love home and my family are the best people in my life. But regarding to my very first question,


Could I have done anything to stop mama and abah’s divorcement?

layout by ellie. image from weheartit.