17 - Overly-attached and clingyness strikes!
Aiman and Afrina went for a 7-day New Zealand trip starting 18th December till 24th.
Friday, December 19, 2014
25th will be the day when I start breathing again.
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I do have feelings for him, a lot probably. More than just friends although i'm not prepared for any relationship. I take relationships a big thing and I don't want it to go to waste, so i'm just going with the flow and continuing what we have right now because it's worth it.
The fact that we're in the same social circle kills. Which means my best friends are his too, and this (not I thought would happen at first) leads to more cons compared to pros. I'm not gonna explain here one by one what are the cons and shit because i'm so freaking tired of putting myself down. I want to stop but I can't help myself.
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I'm not jealous of him being with afrina (ok probs a little. cant lie.) but the fact that i don't get to spend as much time as afrina does and it hurts like shithead a lot. I keep telling myself that i'm fine, I can be repaired and that i'm gonna feel better eventually when in reality, I am not making the effort to fix myself.
It's like I've already given up with everything and I won't mind crying myself off to sleep every single time. It just feels that way. I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT PLEASE HELP ME. Now that he's at New Zealand, I just miss him so fucking much. Every second, every moment of the day, I can never get him off my mind. Even when I read of watch a movie, or try to complete a tv series. He's always there, at the back of my mind. He's having so much fun with someone else and i'm here, broken apart, falling apart, anything related to failing putting up yourself back in pieces together. Yeap, that's me.
The truth is; he doesn't know that. He doesn't know that wherever I go, he's stuck in my mind like crazy. I don't fucking know how to stop it. Tried distracting myself but it never works. I wonder why. Why him? Why had it always been him? Could I have loved him? Was everything too fast for me to love him? Do I even know what love is? Do I really know him to know that I love him?
All these thoughts going through my mind and it drives me crazy. Overthinking. Officially. Sucks. I'm drowning myself with these thoughts and it's not healthy at all. I become obsessed.
I can no longer expect instant replies from him because he's probably out in the beach, parasailing or some shit. That doesn't mean I'd stop checking my phone every minute because I do. And it sucks like hell oh my fucking god. I don't know how to explain how this feels like, this is the worst feeling ever and I've felt this for quite a few times.
My thoughts are all jumbled up and I can't seem to put it into words without messing with the actual meaning. But for all I know, I really do miss him.