20 - 4th of June
Friday, June 5, 2015
The question
that has been wandering in my mind for the 218698169th time today
was;
Could I have
done anything to stop mama and abah’s divorcement?
….because lots
of shitty things happened today and expectedly, my first thought was that.
Because apparently, all shitty things lead back to my, drumroll please,
stepdad. OK LIKE WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE THE BAD REASON TO EVERYTHING FOR GOD’S
SAKE I-
Lately, he has
been complaining to us about how our family’s economy is corrupted and that he
has abundance of debts waiting to be settled, and how we should save our
upcoming budget and how broke we really are at the moment. Okay. I understand
that they’re both working hard, I really do. But the thing that pisses me off
today was, my baby sister bought a RM50 freaking doll. My stepdad just had to
stop by ToysRUs and gave himself the opportunity to waste his money there,
WHICH IS UNFAIR. Because seriously, RM5o for a toy??? I could’ve gotten my
pretzel stix and krispy kreme glazed chocolates I’ve been craving for a while
and perhaps a lil crop top from cotton on maybe? That’d worth so much more. BUT
A FREAKING TOY I’M CRYING.
That’s not it,
we spent about 2 hours at the shop itself because my baby sister was having a
hard time choosing what to buy. And of course, we had to live up to her own
ways. By the time my dad paid for the doll, it was already 8.30 and I knew
right away that my plans of checking out HnM, Cotton On and Kitschen would be
cancelled. I got even madder because first of all, this is considered a rare
outing because we barely go out, especially to crowded places like this and I
thought that I would have the chance to check out my fav shops but oh well,
luck is NEVER on my side.
I repeat 101,
NEVER.
So afterwards,
we headed to Jusco and bought the lil girls’ (liya and maira) needs and went
straight home. I GOT NOTHING I SHOULDN’T HAVE EVEN FOLLOWED THEM, IT WAS A
COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. ALL I GOT WAS LECTURES FROM MY STEPDAD WHO CONTROLS THE
WHOLE FAMILY LIKE A PIECE OF – UGH.
I know I’m
supposed to give him all due respect but he doesn’t deserve much tbh. I’m just
so tired of being his another puppet, having to follow his lead everywhere and
everytime that never makes sense. This is the reason why, I never liked going
home after boarding school holiday breaks. My family isn’t the happiest one out
there and, my stepdad keeps scolding us which is very tiring to hear and very
depressing. I once asked mum if I could stay over at grandma’s but that somehow
made her sad bc she thought I hated home or something. And the truth is, ever
since I got into boarding school, I was somehow released from my stepdad’s grip
and it felt good. I was happier and it motivated me to be a better person that
I hated…home. I hated how I know things at home are always at tense and
encouraging me to rage.
Don’t get me
wrong, I love home and my family are the best people in my life. But regarding
to my very first question,
Could I have
done anything to stop mama and abah’s divorcement?
19 - Sayang/Minat/Suka/Cinta
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Until... someone appears.
Apparently, this someone happens to be good at dancing, speaks fluent English and a big fan of novels (fantasy, especially).
...which happens to fulfill my criteria of a dream boyfriend. See what I did there?
I don't know what does my heart desire most. Whether it's sayang or suka. A big no-no for cinta, even the world itself makes me puke. DO I LIKE HIM? Now that's the big question here. But being that typical izyan I am, I can never make up my mind. I'm rather always confused, lost or just ignorant. But this time, I wanna know what is this feeling he's been giving me, what kind of butterflies in my stomach this time and what do I really want. Regarding to my previous relationships, they're broken because they're either a. not serious, b. lack of communication c. high hopes. And what I worry most in this case right now, is c. high hopes because... ooh i forgot to mention.
That guy likes me.
Don't ask whether it's a good thing or not, because everything has its own pros and cons like... everything I say will be overthinked by him, causing him to manipulate himself into thinking I like him. For example, even if I say something simple like, 'you're good at dance', he'll think of it in a different perspective like 'oh my god she said I was good at dancing. Do you think she likes guys who can dance? Because I can. Oh wait I think she mentioned that she likes guys who can dance. Ah yes, she definitely likes me! Now I can spice up my sweet talk and make my way towards winning her heart. Yes I'm gonna get her because she complimented my dancing.' SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT UGH. So, I have to be extra careful with my conversation with him because trust me boy, it can lead to something else. Something I've always tried avoiding but constantly failing. HIGH FREAKING HOPES.
But this time, it's different.
Different? DIFFERENT? IZYAN R U CRAZY HAVE U THOUGHT THIS THOROUGHLY U KNOW THIS ISN'T SOMETHING-
Nu-uh girl. Hold your horses, I haven't finished. Different as in... I might actually like him. BUT WAIT. I can't go straight away with that statement, because.. I might actually not. But yea whatever it is, it's undecided and I don't wanna think about it. Says the girl who can't get her mind off that particular guy. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS I UGH BYE.
18 - A poem for the lost souls.
Never would I thought that,
After all this while,
I might have given you the opportunity to unlock,
What has been sacredly kept,
Inside the deepest parts of me that were barely touched,
rather opened to someone.
Never would I thought that,
The feelings you give me are equivalent to the number of butterflies,
Fluttering their wings away in my stomach,
Ready to be released into the open air,
Waiting for a new world to be revealed.
Never would I thought that,
Feelings would be more mutual as days passed by,
And there would be whispers of love and affection,
Echoing through the very thin walls of my heart,
That never misses a beat,
As you make your way towards me.
Never would I recognized,
This emotion and feeling of missing someone you treasure so much,
Until you appear with an innocent cause,
Bringing an uproar pain,
To this very fragile self.
Never would I thought that,
My mind would travel across thousand pictures of you,
Images that seem endless-like,
Potraits that would drive me insane, question my sanity,
As I go through my daily routine of life.
I can't deny, there's not one second,
You would leave.
Never would I thought that,
You might actually,
Just quite right,
Maybe undeniably,
Be my definite one.
There would be millions of 'never would i thought thats',
And I would still have a thousand more in my head,
Because there's so much,
I enjoy talking about you.
17 - Overly-attached and clingyness strikes!
Friday, December 19, 2014
25th will be the day when I start breathing again.
_____________________________________
I do have feelings for him, a lot probably. More than just friends although i'm not prepared for any relationship. I take relationships a big thing and I don't want it to go to waste, so i'm just going with the flow and continuing what we have right now because it's worth it.
The fact that we're in the same social circle kills. Which means my best friends are his too, and this (not I thought would happen at first) leads to more cons compared to pros. I'm not gonna explain here one by one what are the cons and shit because i'm so freaking tired of putting myself down. I want to stop but I can't help myself.
______________________________________
I'm not jealous of him being with afrina (ok probs a little. cant lie.) but the fact that i don't get to spend as much time as afrina does and it hurts like shithead a lot. I keep telling myself that i'm fine, I can be repaired and that i'm gonna feel better eventually when in reality, I am not making the effort to fix myself.
It's like I've already given up with everything and I won't mind crying myself off to sleep every single time. It just feels that way. I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT PLEASE HELP ME. Now that he's at New Zealand, I just miss him so fucking much. Every second, every moment of the day, I can never get him off my mind. Even when I read of watch a movie, or try to complete a tv series. He's always there, at the back of my mind. He's having so much fun with someone else and i'm here, broken apart, falling apart, anything related to failing putting up yourself back in pieces together. Yeap, that's me.
The truth is; he doesn't know that. He doesn't know that wherever I go, he's stuck in my mind like crazy. I don't fucking know how to stop it. Tried distracting myself but it never works. I wonder why. Why him? Why had it always been him? Could I have loved him? Was everything too fast for me to love him? Do I even know what love is? Do I really know him to know that I love him?
All these thoughts going through my mind and it drives me crazy. Overthinking. Officially. Sucks. I'm drowning myself with these thoughts and it's not healthy at all. I become obsessed.
I can no longer expect instant replies from him because he's probably out in the beach, parasailing or some shit. That doesn't mean I'd stop checking my phone every minute because I do. And it sucks like hell oh my fucking god. I don't know how to explain how this feels like, this is the worst feeling ever and I've felt this for quite a few times.
My thoughts are all jumbled up and I can't seem to put it into words without messing with the actual meaning. But for all I know, I really do miss him.
16 - Mini family getaway
Friday, June 6, 2014
Okay, enough about that.
Tomorrow, my family and I are finally going to go for a mini family getaway at Janda Baik! Yas i've been waiting for this moment for so long. One thing I like about vacations is that...
NEW INSTAGRAM PICTURES!
JK, I miss spending time with my family like I used to. But now, my parents are always busy so there's barely a time that I can recall sparing a day with them. Sigh. Oh well, super excited for tomorrow. Hope everything turns out well!!!
Will update more after the vacation, bye lovelies. xo.